The Future

The future. It's something that is constantly on our minds, but it doesn't quite hit you until you're a year away from graduating. At least that is how I'm feeling. I've spent the past three years pursuing a science degree, in the hopes that it would better my chances at employment after graduation, but I have recently come to the realization that I don't see myself working in the science field. I don't see myself rotting away in a laboratory day in and day out and yet, it seems like that is where my path is heading. I wish there was some way I could find out what I'm really meant to do in this life, like if some Holy Figure would just show up somehow and point to the path I'm supposed to take. But I know it doesn't work like that and life isn't that easy. I've been crazy stressed out these past couple of days trying to figure my life out and stressing about the future. Mostly I'm just worried about the dismal job market and my lackluster resume. My friends who have already graduated have good jobs and I can't help but feel like I won't be as fortunate as them post-graduation, if that makes any sense. There is nothing really spectacular about me- I don't have a bunch of leadership positions in clubs, I have little work experience, I have barely made any connections, and unfortunately, I am not too eloquent with my words, so I can't dazzle employers with exaggerated falsehoods about myself. I'm just an average student with decent grades and an aspiration to provide a better life for my family and for myself, but that is probably the same shit that they hear all the time anyway and they'll probably ask, "So what makes you different?" Honestly, I don't know. As you can see, I am incredibly insecure and have a poor outlook on life. I think that's what makes me different. The fact is I've felt like this all of my life because I was always being overshadowed by my seemingly "perfect" cousin. She was always being praised by everyone in our family for her quick wit and sharp mind, while everything I did garnered criticism. All of them were certain I would fail in life and it was certainly a surprise when I ended up getting into a better college than her. For awhile they couldn't say anything and then came new comments. They would say things like "Oh yeah. She got into a better college, but that doesn't mean anything because it's not like she's going to amount to much after college anyways" and like a fool, I believe them. It just hurts so much that I already have this negative image of myself and yet the people closest to me are playing on my insecurities and are trying to break me down, instead of building me up. How am I supposed to believe that I'm destined to do great things if my family doesn't have an inkling of faith in me? And after about a couple hundred words and ramblings, therein lies an unexpected answer. What makes me different is that I want to prove to myself, to my family and to my future employer that I am capable of doing great things, if given the faith, guidance, and the opportunity to make as many mistakes as possible, so long as I can learn from them. The future is still a scary place and I'm not confident that I am able to face it now, but hopefully someday I will be. Hopefully someday I won't be looked down on, for my lackluster resume, for my bland character, and for my less-than-perfect background. Hopefully that someday isn't too far off in the future.